Thursday, December 23, 2004

Not in A Blogging Mood

So much bad shit has happened in the last 7 days.
There have been many 19th birthdays.....and many hangovers.
Some hair was burnt, some people went to jail and some betrayal.
Finances have depressed me beyond physical exercise, but thankfully
I have managed. This is the first year that I have ever gotten an INSUFF FUNDS
at a debit purchase, and the first year that I will give a picture with an
"IOU 1 PRESENT (PICTURED)!"
Lack of money, lack of a christmas tree, lack of a father.
I don't know how much I'll be doing until the New Year, but I promise that
if I get tanked I'll blog, instead of other things. If I do other things, I'll be sure to take detailed notes on my encounters and sights. Mostly the sights.

Cut all radio transmission.

Agent Phantom
Status - Disavowed.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Let The Yule Times Roll

Just got back from the trainwreck that was physics. For the first time since Calculus, a test has made me it's bitch. I beg, I whine, I plead for mercy but all I get back is a nice prompt, "Fuck You!" But these things do not worry me anymore for the beast is over. Never again will I take a science class unless it's called "Planet Names 101." I know Vulcan, I know Vemshnup. What else do I have to worry about? Now, I prepare for my next battle. I'll probably need an army of at least 6,000 coughdrops, and a regiment of cash if I ever want to break throught the gates of Eaton.

Until then, I plan to put up a damn tree, and watch my annual list of Festive Flicks. The list stands as follows: (have you noticed yet, just how much I love to list things?)
- The Grinch (animated)

- Christmas Vacation

- Scrooged

- A Christmas Carol w/ Alistair

- A Christmas Story

- Charlie Brown Christmas

- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

and the newest member:

- A BlackAdder Christmas

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Merry Christmas Pt.1

Might as well spread some holiday cheer.......

I've got nothin' better to do.

this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

FOTheR TwoT ROTKin is over!

At 3:58am, these eyes saw Sam return home for the first time.

Take that Mrs. Taylor! I refused to read your books then, and I still haven't read them now. (I also didn't have to pay anything!)

The Odyssey of Homer

I noticed Texasgary was excited about the simpsons, and felt that I should also share my opinion of the greatness of Groening. This evening I caught the simpson's episode at the holy 5pm on CBC mass. It was the one where Homer's brother makes the baby translator. I knew which episode it was after the couch-vault incident and mentally scanned over the plot and punchlines to see if I should stay or switch. I decided to stay and was delighted to discover a brilliant gag I had forgotten.

Homer sitting in the Spinemelter 2000 + 1 balding man = 2001 joke i should have remembered


It even played a similar soundtrack. If you remember the words, sing along: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...



I started thinking back about other 2001 references and the only ones I could come up with were: the Dawn of Man spoof and the one where he goes into space.




On a completely unrelated note, after talking to Adam over MSN tonight I realized that due to my illness, my current nightmare is visiting the Eaton's Centre. So much standing and walking, so many unsuspecting victims. I'd be like a gaint hairless Marcel from Outbreak.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Never Eat or Sleep

My weekend has been pretty damn lame.

Return of the Spit
Attack of the Coughs
The Phlegm Menace
Return of Pneumonia
The Sinus Strikes Back
A New Hope

I spent all of Thursday and Friday lying on the couch. My only solice was in my recent revival of my NES. For some reason, beating Mario helps me deal with being sick.

Friday night I went out for Shane's 19th birthday. We swung by work for a free tequila shot then went bar-hopping down Bloor. Had some liquid cocaine at Los Iguanas, then drank tequila at Paupers, Brunswick House and grabbed a last call at some Firkin place. Then we had a mickey of tequila. Cigars were had. Darts were thrown. I felt all special when I was able to direct people around Pauper's after last years 1MFF party.

Saturday I slept in til 11 and watched LOTR2 before work. It was my first viewing and was sadly interrupted every 3-20 minutes when the sound cut out. It was good, but I got lost once or twice. I checked everyone else's blog and happily I still have no idea who is going to die. Names aren't good in my head, because I only know about 6 characters (Frodo, Sam, Smeagle, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas). I know another list of names and faces, but it turns into matching terms on a biology exam. I worked until 1:30am, picked up Martin at a nearby party and drove him home so he wouldn't freeze his bollocks, then slept and arrived at work for 11:15am. Had to do some of the grossest jobs ever, before I went to a classy Christmas party. Despite the fact that I had to woozily stand for an hour, I got to walk around a house thinking "So this is what it's like to have "taste'...."

Last night I watched "A Bear Named Winnie" with my mom. At 8pm I was thinking of some excuse to get the hell away from the TV but by 9 i was hooked. It was alright. There was a cool little dissolve near the end as well. I spent the rest of the night watching EM: Home Edition and talking to Bex. We talked about the sad state of her computer, then played with people's heads on Inklink.

Today will consist of not going to the doctor, but playing
Batman
and watching LOTR3. I'll probably start studying for my exam around 7pm or until I get bored with everything else in my life.

XXX-MAS

Since I have nothing better to do, I am going to try and make some bizarre christmas audio posts.

Be sure to look forward to appearances by:

Beavis and Butthead
An electric guitar
Steve Martin
Bing Crosby
and more!

Friday, December 10, 2004

There's A Home Depot at the End of the Tunnel

When I was at Ben's barmitzfah, I got one of those vibey deja-vus. Bex was listing off some relatives, and I suddenly realized that I had done this before in a dream. Now I know that sound's like ..., but over the years I've developed the belief that my dreams are a preview of upcoming events. It's probably just generality clashing with coincedence, but I really enjoy thinking this.

On Monday however, I had a rough night. I haven't had a nightmare for about 5 years (nothing beats the recurring cave nightmare or The Maze) and I haven't had a dream for a couple of weeks (that I can vividly recall). It turns out I was due for my next mindtrip and it was a bad trip indeed. I dreamt:

That I was walking down Mcrae just past Bill and Vito's Garage in the middle of the night. I was feeling a little paranoid (when do I not), and I noticed a white car ahead of me. It was sort of parked in the middle of the street but the engine was running. For some reason, I thought the car looked like one of the models from Grand Theft Auto, and I immediately thought I was in the game. It was only 2 seconds later that I heard a voice come from the car..."That's him.".....and the car takes off. I look behind me and see another white car speeding down the street. I take off! It turns in behind me and a guy leans out the window with an uzi-like gun. I freak and start zigzaging away from him. (Thinking back I realized that I was running in my N64 Goldeneye evasion pattern. The sidesteps and jukes all matched.) The gun starts spewing out bullets and I see them ricochet off the ground beside and go zipping off at the horizon. Suddenly, I get a sort of matrix-slow-mo tail-on shot of this bullet, which looks more like shrapnel, floating towards my back. It hits me on the backleft of my neck.

I don't feel like anything has happened but everything has gone a little quiet and i reach around. Sure enough there's blood on my fingers and all of a sudden I notice the Home Depot across Laird. It's bright as ever but suddenly different chunks of the world begin to blackout. It was as if I was standing in a long corridor and the lights were being shut off towards me. Kind of like when Seraph and Sati are leaving the Oracle's in the third movie. The home depot continued to shine but the different planes went out in a row. When the foremost plane went out, I collapsed.

(AWAKE)

The first things I thought of were "shit this is going to happen to me," "fuck that would be cool to put in a movie" and "I don't want to go back to bed." I lay awake for 20 minutes petrified until I was too tired to keep my eyes open.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Christmas is just plain weird

What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of your socks? - Thanks Ron

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Be Sure To Watch Out For Chazwazzlers

It's 1pm. I was up til 4am studying for my mid-term. I've decided to take one quick run through the terms then play grand theft auto until I have to leave....or the other way around.

I was trying to think up some sort of brilliant joke about Taking Your Kid To Work and Little Nature screwing around with Mother Nature's weather panel, but all I could think of was this other joke.

Who's bigger? Mama Bigger or Baby Bigger?

Baby Bigger cause he's a little Bigger.

That's been in my head every since I finished reading Seth's "Its A Good Life If You Don't Weaken." It's the last book that we are supposed to study in my english lit class and the most recently published on the list. I finally got my hands on one of the copies, and was unable to let his sit til April. Why? Because in April we will be studying a comic book. 120 pages of comics that I get to read in class. It's all about a guy who's depressed and has nothing to do. He reads a New Yorker and goes in search of an obscure cartoonist named Kalo. The drawing is only topped by the writing. It's a good read but it's a short read...Although I guess all comic books are short reads. Well this "picture novella" is good. It's a

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Nothing Matters But The Weekend....From A Tuesday Point Of View

So the studying is not going so well. My prof freaked the hell out of me when he brought up (what I thought were) obscure terms like continuity editing. This essay is going to suck my ass. I have 50 minutes to panic, sweat, freak out, scribble a thesis down, cry about how I have 10 minutes left, and develop a hand-cramp after writing 4 paragraphs in 5 minutes.

Why can't all tests be multiple choice? Everyone loves the multiplicity and the attempt to decipher the code. Do I pick all C s? Do I spell ACDC, BAD ACE CAB? Do I go with my trusted formula since grade 2 (BDADC(E)BC(E)AD)? Too much crap to learn...too little time.

The house is officially full of nog. I have already had one carton, and am currently on my first Nogache of the season. I expect many more to come, and at least 3 of them to be from some "Nogged" Nog.

I finally cracked today and went over to Shane's to play San Andreas. The weather was a shit storm of depression (The Red Rocket is dying, mid term tomorrow) and I needed some cheering up. I refused to complete any missions so I just drove around the city and punched a stoner in the nuts....repeatedly. While I was in an excellent mood when I left for home, I find myself unable to read a book as a keep drifting back to that crackhead's crotch......

Monday, December 06, 2004

Struggling

Do not want to blog! My back hurts too much in this piece-of-shit chair. My favourite high school teacher used to tell me that if I didn't have enough time to finish my essay, I should just write all of my ideas down in point-form. Here goes:

-best weekend ever
-no better way to enter exams
-lots of things that start with B

Friday
-went to burlesque "Merry Stripmas" by Skin Tight, Outta Sight"with Bex, Texasgary and Tederick
-one of only double dates in my life that didn't involve fifth wheels
-went to see Mark shake his ass
-saw Mark shake his ass
-MC was lude, unfunny and very pantless
-performers were great (Anastasia's hotness, Coco Le Creme's awesome costumes, Scarlet Sylphide's "Veruca Salt," getting turned on by the Grinch thanks to Suaci Calla Horra, envying Tanya Cheex for enjoying every moment on stage)
-shoddiest lookin joint I've seen in a long time (from the outside...and inside lobby)
-Mysterion the Mind Reader would not want to read my mind
- The Wetspots were amazing. Masturbation is OK, Stripper's Medley among others were awesome
-for fuller details see (since I have a serious lack of a camera and energy to write) visit Texasgary

Saturday
- slept in by accident and didn't go to One of a Kind craft show with my mom (also missed Signatures due to work. crap.)
- woke up and rolled into Bex's car to make it to Ben's Barmitzvah
- made chit-chat with a whole bunch of people I "know" but I don't know.
- Ceremony was amazing. Ben did an awesome job! (but he'll never read this! Ha Ha!)
- I nailed Ben in the nuts with my green candy.
- Candle ceremony was amazing
- I've got my own freakin Yamulka now!!
- Dinner was amazing
- Bar was open (stocked with Tequila.....at a Barmitzfah!?!?)
- Bex was outstanding as MC even though her dad stole the mic at one point
- I got to light a candle around Ben's cake...to the Rocky theme song!
- Dessert was a yummy strawberry sorbet or sherbert, whichever you call them. I flip-flop
- Got to do some long-awaited dancing with Bex
- Made fun of Ben after DJ chose my "Stairway to Heaven" by Zep over his "The End" by Doors as last slow song.
- Love for Bex is now official
- used to have a tradition at public school where I asked the girl I really liked to dance to Stairway (even though I had no clue who Zep were)
- Got a little drunk
- corrupted some young minds after party while Bex tried to impower young women
- played with glowsticks and my sexy, LED guitar
- got back to Bex after nasty cab hunt and watched Ben make an assload of money in 4 minutes

Sunday
-worked

Monday (Today)
- went to Bex at 10am
- played PS2 for a while
- lay naked in bed all day with the woman I love
- came home with hurt back thanks to broken boards in bedframe
- trying to start with the studying for Film Mid-term

Winterpeg!?!?

What the fuck?

Did Jill Macyshon just say "There are two seasons here: Winter and Construction" because that joke is so old.

How old is it?

That joke is so old......that joke.....is so old....Ha!......That joke is so old that it's got a botox appointment next tuesday. HIYO!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

If We Never Take Time, How Can We Ever Waste Time?

Well that was a pain in the ass. The only remnant of the site before I redid the whole thing, the matrix code at the side, is the only thing I haven't gotten back up yet. Time for work. The madness will continue after I eat my ham.

Square One

I don't know how this happened but something fucked up! Now I have to go back and redo everything that has been the fruits of all my time wasting. Does someone hate me or am I just a black cloud of fuck-ups?

My Red Rocket

The first rule of Steve's car: Buckle up!

The second rule of Steve's car: BUCKLE UP!

The third rule of Steve's car: Do not grip the dashboard or cling to objects in the car. It pisses me off.

The fourth rule of Steve's car: Do not touch the radio.

The fifth rule of Steve's car: Green means go fast. Yellow means go faster. Red means get ready to go fast!

The sixth rule of Steve's car: Trust in Steve. You are not in harm. If you get hurt, the car must get hurt and that is very sad.

The seventh and final rule of Steve's car: BYOE(arplugs) - Volume subject to change at any time.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

That's What It's All About

"With all the sadness in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started......"

My eyes! Ze Glasses Do Nothing!

Today was our film screening for the Avand-Garde portion of the course. We watched REM's "Low" yesterday and some other short stuff (Ragenet and The Garden of Delights?). My eyes have never hurt so much, and I almost fell asleep in a theatre for the first time in my life. I didn't. Thank god. I'm not ruining that track record.

Today we watched:

Ballet mécanique (not bad, but nothing to brag about)
Meshes of the Afternoon (good)
A Movie (ok)
Water Window Baby Moving (a baby's graphic birth......GRAPHIC! The head literally goes pop!)
Serene Velocity

Serene Velocity I had heard of through my circle of online psychadelia friends, and it lived up to it's trippy reputation, but it sucked. It was definetely innovative, but the novelty wore off after a while. 7 minutes of a "pulsing" hallway.

My three favourite of the day were:

Outer Space
Our Lady of the Sphere
Mongoloid (Devo music video....I think)

I'm only two days in, but I really love with Peter Tscherkassky.

On the topic of movies, I went into HMV to drool over the Matrix collection, which I forgot comes out on the 7th, and found some odd DVDs. First, it's the 10th anniversary of The Shawshank Redemption and it's been put out in a brank spanking new DVD, with a new, butt ugly cover, or maybe I just love the movie so much I don't want it to change.

Second, If you ever plan to rob an HMV in the near future, could you grab this or this for me? Much obliged.