So.
My freak post has been inspired by a life awakening moment. I have no idea what the hell I am doing, and why I cannot function as a student. In 10.5 hours I have a mid-term that I have not started studying for, which I am also not doing that well in. Film Theory. Today I tried to struggle through the last bit of readings on Neo-Realism and Mass Distraction but I still didn't make it. I have 2 articles left that the Prof told us to know well, and ALL of my review to go.
Lately I've decided that I'm becoming lazier as a student or I'm becoming psychic. More and more am I able to sit down a week before a deadline and go, "well i finish reading this but then ill procrastinate all that day, and then get nothing done that day then leave that til the night of and sort of screw myself over on that." And guess what! It happens! I have a midterm at noon, and a take home due at 6pm. Having not finished the take home, I will now cease writing and begin cramming for Film Theory. Then I will run home and finish this fucking paper. It will be handed in late leaving me at a grand total of 3 out of 8 papers handed in on time. If only someone could tell me why. I mean, after tomorrow all of my exams and what not would be literally finished and yet, still nothing. I've probably written more here than I have for my paper.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Did I not learn anything from last year?
Will I learn anything from this?
No.
word count.
Why?
Not right. can't start. no will.
not enough notes. too many pages.
word count.
stretch. fill. reiterate. bullshit.
my future. her future. their future.
below the class median.
loner in the back.
smug. arrogant. sarcastic. mock.
mock.
mock.
everyone else is weird.
this is me. why cant I be me?
why cant I be happy?
could I just be good?
cant decide.
not up to me.
THEM.
i hate. i fear. i hide. i run.
i like movies.
the theater is dark.
i can hide. i can escape.
